The Extraordinary Birthday

~Fear is just an emotion. It doesn't define me. I'm not afraid.

   For 2017 I had a resolution to not be ruled by fear. I found myself often failing at it, until yesterday.
Yesterday was my birthday(Japan time) so I wanted to do something out of the ordinary. I went to Osaka, the neighboring city of Kyoto. I 'd never fully explored the place so I thought my birthday was as good as any day to try. I loved the bright, vibrant atmosphere of Osaka even in the day. In contrast to Kyoto's muted, brown, white and pink pastels, Osaka shouts color with red  popping out often to meet your eye. For a while I walked around the dizzying department stores, then headed out for lunch.
I usually prefer a pork(tonkatsu) or soy sauce based broth for my ramen , but that day I tried a seafood based ramen and found it unexpectedly good.

A new city and ramen  was about as much adventure as I could take. But then  I sensed the Spirit of God. God is as real to me as any person; my ever present advisor and friend. I felt him speak gently

"I want you to ride the Ferris wheel".---
"You wanted me to do what God?" I thought.

You want me to ride that ferris wheel that I saw over the department store I was eating at? That Ferris wheel looming 110 meters tall?

   Apart of me really wanted to do it , to break the mold. But the other part of me, the part that usually has her way, resisted.  I didn't feel like it. I 'd rather follow my same old routine and stick to safe things. But God wasn't a routine God; he had prodded me out of my bed, out of my comfort and into Osaka.

   "I'm going to speak to you at the top of the ferris wheel"- he said.

  Grumbling and relieved at the same time, I made my way  over to the wheel and bought my ticket. One of the attendants helped me in. I began the slow ascent. As the wheel rose higher, so did my fear. What had I done? Had I really heard God? The fear mounted and God sent a wave of peace. Such peace, like being placed in a hot spring, or  warm bath, scented with candles. The fear began to dissolve. All of a sudden I found myself declaring "fear is just an emotion. It doesn't define me. I'm not afraid." I repeated it again and again until the peace became incomprehensible (Phillippians 4:7). I wasn't afraid. I rested at the peak of the wheel, the highest point of the ascent. I looked down at the sprawling metropolis, the buildings too numerous to count.

What had I done? I'd conquered  a fear of heights with my God. I 'd learned a technique of confronting fear through refusing to let the emotion define me. I realized it's "ok" to feel fear. Fear is an emotion. Just like, joy, or anger or tiredness. I learned feel the emotion---but don't let it define you. Don't let it control you. Never let it stop you from doing the hard things. Oh, how my God had spoken to me at the wheel,  but never in a way I had expected. I thought he would talk to me face to face--to just tell me things like he usually does. Instead, he sat with me in silence and gave me my own anthem to conquer fear. I emerged from the experience extremely proud of myself. I thought I'd learned my lesson of the day. But he had so much more in store for me.

    I went to a worship meeting in Nishinomiya, a few stops away from Osaka. It was a place Christians gathered to sing, dance and pray. While there I met a lovely couple from Holland. They had a prayer ministry and asked to pray for me. They said many things that blessed me and allowed me to experience the wonderful love of God. Yet one thing they said particularly shines.  The man , without knowing anything about what had happened to me that day, said something to the effect of "God is delivering you from fear" "He's breaking the fear".

Oh yes, he was. That word, coupled with my ferris wheel experience, broke the fear. I rested once more in peace like a river that night. The river rolls on, even today; I feel the peace I can't explain.
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The Greatest Gift of Introversion

    Introversion and extroversion--descriptors of personality--- are two topics I've been interested in for almost 10 years. Here’s a brief summary of the two: generally introverts gain energy while alone and lose it around people, while extroverts gain energy around people but lose energy alone. Now some people don't fit neatly into either introversion or extroversion and are called ambiverts, but for the most part people fall into either one or the other as their dominant preference for living.

   I've always been a quiet person and people have labeled me as shy throughout my childhood; but it wasn't until high-school that I began to challenge the notion that I was shy. I realized I wasn't afraid or nervous around people....I was just...tired. I couldn't understand why it felt like such work to talk to people. I started to research and discovered an article in the Atlantic Monthly about introversion called "Caring for your Introvert". As I read it I met myself for the first time. My mind blazed with understanding and color. I read "Introverts are not necessarily shy.....Extroverts are energized by people, and wilt or fade when alone....In contrast, after an hour or two of being socially "on," we introverts need to turn off and recharge." This was me. I finally knew me---there wasn't anything wrong with me. For a 15 year old, the finding of herself and knowing she was normal, was healing balm of it's own. This led to me buying a book and learning all about introversion and consequently myself.

 The Depths of Self

   As I've grown as a person and experienced life my understanding of introversion has deepened substantially. I've learned of the spiritual component. In college my worldview changed and I personally experienced  for myself that God is real. I discovered the meaning of life and a narrative that explained and held together, loose pieces of knowledge and observation that I saw in science, psychology, myself and people around me. Through science, I knew how things were the way they were but not why.   Christianity made the world make sense and be coherent. Consequently, I've seen the origins of personality in God himself, for Genesis declares that human beings have been created in the image of God. According to Christianity God is a three part being, composed of 3 persons who are distinct yet one in deity. God is 3 in one, made up the Father, the Son and Holy Spirit. God is a deeply interior being—with a rich inner life. Introversion reflects the independence, the introspection and the oneness of God. On the other hand as a Trinity, God is a holy society. Extroversion reflects God’s relationship with the other member of himself. Introversion and extroversion are both pictures of the inward and  outward movements of God.

 The Greatest Gift

   At times I've struggled with being an introvert, especially when it comes to balancing my unique energy needs with my desire to be around people. 1 hour of being around people can wipe me out for several hours physically.  Was this a curse or gift? My Christianity has helped me see it as a gift. A Christian introvert spends time not just alone, but with God. And the thing about God is unlike people, he doesn't drain you. In fact he restores you. In the beloved Psalm 23, King David writes "The Lord is my shepherd. I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He restores my soul". God as Maker and  Shepherd restores the soul of both the introvert and extrovert.

    I’ve a fairly draining job as a teacher---though I enjoy teaching---and so after a day of work I’m pretty exhausted. However, I learned stilling myself before God, listening to gentle worship music, can work wonders in replenishing me. Solitude with God is the greatest gift of introversion. Perhaps it’s a bit more difficult for extroverts to be alone with God often----I have talked to a couple of extroverts who’ve said this is the case. The flip side of this is that extroverts have an advantage when it comes to socializing with other Christians and non-Christians alike. It’s easier for them to go into all the world and make disciples. Yet no matter if we are introverts or extroverts God call us equally to spend time alone with him AND to witness in the world. We may have to work harder in our area of weakness but if we are dependent on God and understanding of each other, our weaknesses aren’t curses, but blessings in disguise. In the time to come, I  look forward to learning more about personality and know that with God, there’s more meaning behind things than I’ve ever imagined.