For 2017 I had a resolution to not be ruled by fear. I found myself often failing at it, until yesterday.
Yesterday was my birthday(Japan time) so I wanted to do something out of the ordinary. I went to Osaka, the neighboring city of Kyoto. I 'd never fully explored the place so I thought my birthday was as good as any day to try. I loved the bright, vibrant atmosphere of Osaka even in the day. In contrast to Kyoto's muted, brown, white and pink pastels, Osaka shouts color with red popping out often to meet your eye. For a while I walked around the dizzying department stores, then headed out for lunch.
I usually prefer a pork(tonkatsu) or soy sauce based broth for my ramen , but that day I tried a seafood based ramen and found it unexpectedly good.
A new city and ramen was about as much adventure as I could take. But then I sensed the Spirit of God. God is as real to me as any person; my ever present advisor and friend. I felt him speak gently
"I want you to ride the Ferris wheel".---
"You wanted me to do what God?" I thought.
You want me to ride that ferris wheel that I saw over the department store I was eating at? That Ferris wheel looming 110 meters tall?
Apart of me really wanted to do it , to break the mold. But the other part of me, the part that usually has her way, resisted. I didn't feel like it. I 'd rather follow my same old routine and stick to safe things. But God wasn't a routine God; he had prodded me out of my bed, out of my comfort and into Osaka.
"I'm going to speak to you at the top of the ferris wheel"- he said.
Grumbling and relieved at the same time, I made my way over to the wheel and bought my ticket. One of the attendants helped me in. I began the slow ascent. As the wheel rose higher, so did my fear. What had I done? Had I really heard God? The fear mounted and God sent a wave of peace. Such peace, like being placed in a hot spring, or warm bath, scented with candles. The fear began to dissolve. All of a sudden I found myself declaring "fear is just an emotion. It doesn't define me. I'm not afraid." I repeated it again and again until the peace became incomprehensible (Phillippians 4:7). I wasn't afraid. I rested at the peak of the wheel, the highest point of the ascent. I looked down at the sprawling metropolis, the buildings too numerous to count.
What had I done? I'd conquered a fear of heights with my God. I 'd learned a technique of confronting fear through refusing to let the emotion define me. I realized it's "ok" to feel fear. Fear is an emotion. Just like, joy, or anger or tiredness. I learned feel the emotion---but don't let it define you. Don't let it control you. Never let it stop you from doing the hard things. Oh, how my God had spoken to me at the wheel, but never in a way I had expected. I thought he would talk to me face to face--to just tell me things like he usually does. Instead, he sat with me in silence and gave me my own anthem to conquer fear. I emerged from the experience extremely proud of myself. I thought I'd learned my lesson of the day. But he had so much more in store for me.
I went to a worship meeting in Nishinomiya, a few stops away from Osaka. It was a place Christians gathered to sing, dance and pray. While there I met a lovely couple from Holland. They had a prayer ministry and asked to pray for me. They said many things that blessed me and allowed me to experience the wonderful love of God. Yet one thing they said particularly shines. The man , without knowing anything about what had happened to me that day, said something to the effect of "God is delivering you from fear" "He's breaking the fear".
Oh yes, he was. That word, coupled with my ferris wheel experience, broke the fear. I rested once more in peace like a river that night. The river rolls on, even today; I feel the peace I can't explain.
